Poison

There are days when I wake up with this feeling in my stomach. The only way I can describe it is to say that it feels Toxic. This burning, hateful feeling grows throughout the day.
I begin every school day the same, alarm goes off at 7:45 giving me 15 minutes to get myself in a bit of order before I begin the slow and painful process of waking my kids up. This is my least favorite part of the day on a good day, but on these Toxic days they can be THE WORST.
I like to leave the house by 8:50 so that the kids can have morning recess with their friends. You'd think 50 minutes or so would be plenty of time to get them moving but I'm so impatient on these days. I hear myself rushing them over and over again. Asking them to do the same things, even making them chew their food faster. At times I'm able to step back and wonder what they must think of me on these mornings. Questioning what had happened in the night to make me so grouchy first thing in the morning. The truth is that I have no idea why I get this way. I have no good reason for this poison that grows and flows through my mouth.
On our trek to school I am pulling the dog and leading the kids up the street. She complains about the sprinkling or the cold while he varies between running ahead and falling behind. The whole while I'm talking to myself, questioning how I will shed this funk. Thinking that maybe if I could just get some time to myself I would feel better. Maybe warm weather would do it. Maybe getting away from my normal day would do it...all things I can not control.
Tank and I walk around for a while so that I can feel sorry for myself but also so that I can say that I tried getting some fresh air. We get home and I start cleaning, maybe that would work the poison through my system. I work out, take Tank to the park, get a coffee...the feeling is still strong. It's an all day funk. I talk to myself through it all. Talk to God through it all. And I wait. For the Toxins to leave.