I am to be at the hospital at 9:15 tomorrow morning.


Calm Body, Calm Mind

I've been breathing these words every day.
Breath in- calm body
Breath out- calm mind
Hoping beyond hope that it will sink in and keep me together.

I make the call tomorrow to get the time of my surgery. Tomorrow night Amy and the kids come over for the week. Tomorrow is my last day at work. Tomorrow the kids start PE camp. Tomorrow we go see the Superman movie.
Tuesday is the surgery.

I don't know what to expect as far as how I will feel after the operation. My dear friend Deborah has told me over and over again that the actual procedure will be easy. I'll go it and take a nice nap. She has had several operations in her life. She also said that I shouldn't be afraid to take the pain medication.

That nurse I spoke with over the phone said that I should give names to my fears.
I'm afraid that I will have a panic attack on the way to the hospital.
I'm afraid that my blood pressure will be too high when we get there.
I'm afraid that Trey won't be able to be in the room with me before they take me to the O.R.
I'm afraid that he won't be there when I wake up.
I'm afraid that something will go wrong.
I'm afraid that I will be a weeping baby.

I want this to be over so, so badly.


Getting Closer

I took Monday and Tuesday off this week. I did it because I had a phone appointment with a nurse to do a "teaching" about my surgery on Monday and then a pre operation physical with my primary doctor on Tuesday. Honestly, I didn't need to take the time off, both were scheduled for the mornings but I had the sick time and went ahead and did it.
So. Glad. I. Did.
The phone appointment had me in tears during the conversation. She was quite lovely, I was quite overwhelmed with all the information she was giving me.
The surgery should take 3 hours but I'll probably be in the hospital closer to 6 with pre and post junk. She started to go into detail about moving the muscles in my neck to access the thyroid...I had to ask her to stop. It was causing me to panic a bit...I started crying. Poor gal...she was just trying to educate me. She was under the impression that the more I knew about the operation, the more calm I would be...knowledge is power...   Except that's not so true for me. I'd rather be in the dark. Put that IV in and make me take a nice little nap.
Needless to say, I was a wreck all day on Monday and was quite worked up about meeting with my doctor the next day.

So Tuesday rolls along and my appointment is first thing in the morning. I was worked up because I wanted to ask my lovely doctor if she could prescribe some calming drugs for the days leading up to the  procedure. Asking for drugs makes me nervous. I've watched too many medical dramas and think that if I ask for them she will think I'm a junkie.
Well she didn't think that. In fact she was rather helpful. Gave me 2 prescriptions, one for sleep and one for calm. I haven't had to take any yet...just knowing they are available is helpful.
We talked through the biopsy, she agreed that it sounded like a terrible procedure. I felt validated.
It won't surprise you to learn that I cried again. She was understanding.
And I wasn't AS upset after that appointment, but having these things one right after the other really made all my fears come back to the surface.

I'm again in the mode of trying to stay busy. This week I signed up for three classes at Barre3 up the road. I'm continuing bootcamp with my old personal trainer and I'm running the lake when I can. Work is wrapping up, which brings other emotions to the surface, but it's keeping me busy.

The house sold. We had several families bidding for it. I'm happy with the family who purchased it. They will fit in with our neighbors just right.

Lots of changes. Lots of lasts. Lots to look forward to...after the 18th.