A Many Family Blog
6/17/13
6/16/13
Calm Body, Calm Mind
I've been breathing these words every day.
Breath in- calm body
Breath out- calm mind
Hoping beyond hope that it will sink in and keep me together.
I make the call tomorrow to get the time of my surgery. Tomorrow night Amy and the kids come over for the week. Tomorrow is my last day at work. Tomorrow the kids start PE camp. Tomorrow we go see the Superman movie.
Tuesday is the surgery.
I don't know what to expect as far as how I will feel after the operation. My dear friend Deborah has told me over and over again that the actual procedure will be easy. I'll go it and take a nice nap. She has had several operations in her life. She also said that I shouldn't be afraid to take the pain medication.
That nurse I spoke with over the phone said that I should give names to my fears.
I'm afraid that I will have a panic attack on the way to the hospital.
I'm afraid that my blood pressure will be too high when we get there.
I'm afraid that Trey won't be able to be in the room with me before they take me to the O.R.
I'm afraid that he won't be there when I wake up.
I'm afraid that something will go wrong.
I'm afraid that I will be a weeping baby.
I want this to be over so, so badly.
Breath in- calm body
Breath out- calm mind
Hoping beyond hope that it will sink in and keep me together.
I make the call tomorrow to get the time of my surgery. Tomorrow night Amy and the kids come over for the week. Tomorrow is my last day at work. Tomorrow the kids start PE camp. Tomorrow we go see the Superman movie.
Tuesday is the surgery.
I don't know what to expect as far as how I will feel after the operation. My dear friend Deborah has told me over and over again that the actual procedure will be easy. I'll go it and take a nice nap. She has had several operations in her life. She also said that I shouldn't be afraid to take the pain medication.
That nurse I spoke with over the phone said that I should give names to my fears.
I'm afraid that I will have a panic attack on the way to the hospital.
I'm afraid that my blood pressure will be too high when we get there.
I'm afraid that Trey won't be able to be in the room with me before they take me to the O.R.
I'm afraid that he won't be there when I wake up.
I'm afraid that something will go wrong.
I'm afraid that I will be a weeping baby.
I want this to be over so, so badly.
6/6/13
Getting Closer
I took Monday and Tuesday off this week. I did it because I had a phone appointment with a nurse to do a "teaching" about my surgery on Monday and then a pre operation physical with my primary doctor on Tuesday. Honestly, I didn't need to take the time off, both were scheduled for the mornings but I had the sick time and went ahead and did it.
So. Glad. I. Did.
The phone appointment had me in tears during the conversation. She was quite lovely, I was quite overwhelmed with all the information she was giving me.
The surgery should take 3 hours but I'll probably be in the hospital closer to 6 with pre and post junk. She started to go into detail about moving the muscles in my neck to access the thyroid...I had to ask her to stop. It was causing me to panic a bit...I started crying. Poor gal...she was just trying to educate me. She was under the impression that the more I knew about the operation, the more calm I would be...knowledge is power... Except that's not so true for me. I'd rather be in the dark. Put that IV in and make me take a nice little nap.
Needless to say, I was a wreck all day on Monday and was quite worked up about meeting with my doctor the next day.
So Tuesday rolls along and my appointment is first thing in the morning. I was worked up because I wanted to ask my lovely doctor if she could prescribe some calming drugs for the days leading up to the procedure. Asking for drugs makes me nervous. I've watched too many medical dramas and think that if I ask for them she will think I'm a junkie.
Well she didn't think that. In fact she was rather helpful. Gave me 2 prescriptions, one for sleep and one for calm. I haven't had to take any yet...just knowing they are available is helpful.
We talked through the biopsy, she agreed that it sounded like a terrible procedure. I felt validated.
It won't surprise you to learn that I cried again. She was understanding.
And I wasn't AS upset after that appointment, but having these things one right after the other really made all my fears come back to the surface.
I'm again in the mode of trying to stay busy. This week I signed up for three classes at Barre3 up the road. I'm continuing bootcamp with my old personal trainer and I'm running the lake when I can. Work is wrapping up, which brings other emotions to the surface, but it's keeping me busy.
The house sold. We had several families bidding for it. I'm happy with the family who purchased it. They will fit in with our neighbors just right.
Lots of changes. Lots of lasts. Lots to look forward to...after the 18th.
So. Glad. I. Did.
The phone appointment had me in tears during the conversation. She was quite lovely, I was quite overwhelmed with all the information she was giving me.
The surgery should take 3 hours but I'll probably be in the hospital closer to 6 with pre and post junk. She started to go into detail about moving the muscles in my neck to access the thyroid...I had to ask her to stop. It was causing me to panic a bit...I started crying. Poor gal...she was just trying to educate me. She was under the impression that the more I knew about the operation, the more calm I would be...knowledge is power... Except that's not so true for me. I'd rather be in the dark. Put that IV in and make me take a nice little nap.
Needless to say, I was a wreck all day on Monday and was quite worked up about meeting with my doctor the next day.
So Tuesday rolls along and my appointment is first thing in the morning. I was worked up because I wanted to ask my lovely doctor if she could prescribe some calming drugs for the days leading up to the procedure. Asking for drugs makes me nervous. I've watched too many medical dramas and think that if I ask for them she will think I'm a junkie.
Well she didn't think that. In fact she was rather helpful. Gave me 2 prescriptions, one for sleep and one for calm. I haven't had to take any yet...just knowing they are available is helpful.
We talked through the biopsy, she agreed that it sounded like a terrible procedure. I felt validated.
It won't surprise you to learn that I cried again. She was understanding.
And I wasn't AS upset after that appointment, but having these things one right after the other really made all my fears come back to the surface.
I'm again in the mode of trying to stay busy. This week I signed up for three classes at Barre3 up the road. I'm continuing bootcamp with my old personal trainer and I'm running the lake when I can. Work is wrapping up, which brings other emotions to the surface, but it's keeping me busy.
The house sold. We had several families bidding for it. I'm happy with the family who purchased it. They will fit in with our neighbors just right.
Lots of changes. Lots of lasts. Lots to look forward to...after the 18th.
4/28/13
And Now For Something Completely Different
Our Spring Break destination was California.
And it was an eventful break!
The kids and I flew out to Scott and Amy's place and lived life with them for a few days before Trey arrived to whisk us away to Disney Land. The sun was out, the breeze was cool and things were good.
I'm thrilled to report that August and Hazel still LOVE riding the rides and seeing the characters. They ran from one place to the next and were good sports all day long. I think being there was good for the boy. I think it helped him work through some of his uncertainty with the move.
We were able to see what life would be like on a daily basis while we were with the Reynolds as well as what a special day could be like at Disney.
Zane and Audrey were in school so we did a walk through at the school Hazel will be attending. Zane was a big man on campus as he led her around showing her the outdoor halls and the new library. Audrey is into roller derby and invited Hazel to come watch some of the practice. As a result, Hazel is now registered for their summer camp to see if it's something she might want to do when we get there.
We looked at a few houses during the trip and I am happy to report that we signed a lease! It's a three bedroom house about a mile away from the Reynolds. Both August and Hazel will be able to walk to school! And we can keep both dogs! We thought for a while that it would be impossible to find a lease that would accept dogs, but this one popped up last minute. We signed the lease on our way back to WA!!
The next step is to get our house sold. Trey is working on the front of the house right now, planting and refreshing. The kids have been working on purging what they don't need. I'm trying to wrap my mind around packing things up.
And it was an eventful break!
The kids and I flew out to Scott and Amy's place and lived life with them for a few days before Trey arrived to whisk us away to Disney Land. The sun was out, the breeze was cool and things were good.
I'm thrilled to report that August and Hazel still LOVE riding the rides and seeing the characters. They ran from one place to the next and were good sports all day long. I think being there was good for the boy. I think it helped him work through some of his uncertainty with the move.
We were able to see what life would be like on a daily basis while we were with the Reynolds as well as what a special day could be like at Disney.
Zane and Audrey were in school so we did a walk through at the school Hazel will be attending. Zane was a big man on campus as he led her around showing her the outdoor halls and the new library. Audrey is into roller derby and invited Hazel to come watch some of the practice. As a result, Hazel is now registered for their summer camp to see if it's something she might want to do when we get there.
We looked at a few houses during the trip and I am happy to report that we signed a lease! It's a three bedroom house about a mile away from the Reynolds. Both August and Hazel will be able to walk to school! And we can keep both dogs! We thought for a while that it would be impossible to find a lease that would accept dogs, but this one popped up last minute. We signed the lease on our way back to WA!!
The next step is to get our house sold. Trey is working on the front of the house right now, planting and refreshing. The kids have been working on purging what they don't need. I'm trying to wrap my mind around packing things up.
4/11/13
Chunk of time
Well, one chunk of time has almost past. It's Thursday, which officially means that tomorrow is Friday...which means that we're that much closer to our California visit. It also means that the end of the school year is rapidly approaching and that I have to be observed today.
I've never had much thought about being observed until this year. It's a whole new ballgame, one that I'm happy to drop out of. This will be my last year teaching. I was a substitute for seven years before I found a classroom position. Teaching has changed in those years and I find myself very frustrated with many of those changes.
During today's observation I will be working with my first graders as they learn the art of retelling the stories they read. We've been taking it part by part and reviewing each section weekly. We will focus on the "important events" in the story. Many of my students will simply state one thing that happened, but our Common Core State Standards demand that students are able to identify key details in the books they read...so I'm teaching them to expand on the stories. We'll use sentence frames and anchor charts to help internalize this practice. I will use Wemberly Worried to model how I retell the important events and will then read Edward the Emu to guide the students through their own written retell.
It's a fine lesson. Not spectacular. It'll get the job done...sadly, I'm more worried about what my observer will find wrong with the lesson than I am about the students success.
More things to worry about. I've been trying to manage the worry but going to the gym before work but life gets in the way...August had a dentist appointment yesterday so I didn't make it to the gym. It's amazing what skipping a day can do to me. I'm going today. I'm stressed about work, stressed about the dogs (we may have to find new homes for them, but that's another post at another time), stressed about getting everything together for California.
Sigh. Jennifer worried.
I've never had much thought about being observed until this year. It's a whole new ballgame, one that I'm happy to drop out of. This will be my last year teaching. I was a substitute for seven years before I found a classroom position. Teaching has changed in those years and I find myself very frustrated with many of those changes.
During today's observation I will be working with my first graders as they learn the art of retelling the stories they read. We've been taking it part by part and reviewing each section weekly. We will focus on the "important events" in the story. Many of my students will simply state one thing that happened, but our Common Core State Standards demand that students are able to identify key details in the books they read...so I'm teaching them to expand on the stories. We'll use sentence frames and anchor charts to help internalize this practice. I will use Wemberly Worried to model how I retell the important events and will then read Edward the Emu to guide the students through their own written retell.
It's a fine lesson. Not spectacular. It'll get the job done...sadly, I'm more worried about what my observer will find wrong with the lesson than I am about the students success.
More things to worry about. I've been trying to manage the worry but going to the gym before work but life gets in the way...August had a dentist appointment yesterday so I didn't make it to the gym. It's amazing what skipping a day can do to me. I'm going today. I'm stressed about work, stressed about the dogs (we may have to find new homes for them, but that's another post at another time), stressed about getting everything together for California.
Sigh. Jennifer worried.
4/6/13
Jennifer Worried
I have always divided my life in chunks of time. I'd see a movie trailer that had an opening night date and I'd think of all the things that were planned between now and then. Or I'd cut my work time into blocks between the next good thing. Right now I'm focusing on one more week of work until we visit Scott and Amy. Then I have four and a half weeks until Sasquatch. Then I have three more weeks until the end of the school year. And finally I have one more day until I go in for surgery. It seems like a ton of things will happen before I go in. I took the kids to a movie tonight and there was a trailer...I started to panic a bit because the movie will be coming out mid May and I thought, holy cow! I have a long time to wait between now and the operation. That's a ton of days to worry. A ton of days to fill so that my head doesn't spiral out of control. So many nights to lay in bed thinking about the biopsy and the state I was in for that, only to start thinking about my state of mind when I finally go to the hospital.
I read the Kevin Henkes book WEMBERLY WORRIED to my class on Friday. It did not escape me that I am WEMBERLY. When I am busy, I worry less. But the thing is, I don't really like being super busy. I've become a bit of a homebody. I long to sit on my couch and watch tv or read books. I'm exhausted at the thought of staying busy until June 18th and scared at the thought of sitting at home with my thoughts.
As if all that wasn't enough- we're working on this move. We have to get the house ready to list and we must find a place to live in South Pasadena. I've forgotten how to move. I can't remember where to start. And I know I need to start soon because we'll be driving away as soon as my doctor gives me the all clear.
It's all too much right now. As Petal is to WEMBERLY, this blog will be my worry stone. WEMBERLY found herself rubbing her stuffed bunny's ears when she worried. I will find myself dumping my thoughts here, otherwise I will spiral...and nobody likes me when I spiral. WEMBERLY'S parents and grandparents kept telling her to stop worrying throughout the book...just like Trey does for me. But the truth is, I can't. Let me reiterate that I am not worried that this will kill me. I know it's probably not cancer. I am worried about the operation. I'm a healthy person. I've only gone in to the hospital to give birth...and that ended with a baby. This time I will be going in to get cut open...at the neck! I've got to stop. It's Saturday and we have plans. Must categorize my thoughts and push these to the back. Hazel is up and watching The Animaniacs. Think I'll join her!
4/1/13
and the surgeon says....
Honestly- it's all a blur...Trey can fill folks in if you need more information, but this is what I think happened at the meeting this morning:
So it's probably not cancer. But the only real way to know this is to remove the nodule. The endocrinologist said there was a 20% chance of it being cancer, the surgeon says it's probably more like 10%.
They can remove half the thyroid and I won't have to do any medication.
The surgery will take a few hours, I'd go home on the same day.
Recovery will take about a week to two weeks. There will be a scar. It will hurt afterwards. There will be pain pills to take for the recovery. I should not drive for that week. I should not move my neck...if I do it will hurt.
Oh, and I now have to wait for the person who schedules these appointments to call me so we can get on the books. One more thing- she thinks it will probably be in JUNE!
I know myself pretty well. I need to get my head together over this. It will probably take 3 days to adjust to this plan. Once the 3 days are over I will probably stop thinking about it until the week of the procedure. I will be a mess that week. But I will be fine until then.
So it's probably not cancer. But the only real way to know this is to remove the nodule. The endocrinologist said there was a 20% chance of it being cancer, the surgeon says it's probably more like 10%.
They can remove half the thyroid and I won't have to do any medication.
The surgery will take a few hours, I'd go home on the same day.
Recovery will take about a week to two weeks. There will be a scar. It will hurt afterwards. There will be pain pills to take for the recovery. I should not drive for that week. I should not move my neck...if I do it will hurt.
Oh, and I now have to wait for the person who schedules these appointments to call me so we can get on the books. One more thing- she thinks it will probably be in JUNE!
I know myself pretty well. I need to get my head together over this. It will probably take 3 days to adjust to this plan. Once the 3 days are over I will probably stop thinking about it until the week of the procedure. I will be a mess that week. But I will be fine until then.
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