Back in March, (when this whole thing began) I had the quiet expectation that this would all go away. That I'd go to the doctor that first visit and he'd say it was just an infection. That I'd go to the ultrasound and they'd say it was all gone. That I'd go to the biopsy and there'd be nothing left to look at. We all know that none of that occurred.
So yesterday I went to USC and had another ultrasound. Blood has already been drawn, meds are being taken. Now for the ultrasound.
They are very professional at USC. The facility is great, the folks are kind, but when the gal asked me to lay on the bed to begin the procedure I had a small sense of panic. I think being put on medication made me realize that this isn't all over.
The ultrasound was long. She was very thorough. I turned my head this way and that. When I was turned away from her I began to really panic in my head. Tears started slowly leaking from my eyes.
I played the "What If" game.
What if:

  • she finds something 
  • they want to operate again
  • it's in my lymph nodes
Right when my thoughts got real dark I asked her what she was measuring. The lymph nodes. She said that this was just a base line. The report would go to the radiologist and then to my endocrinologist.
To be honest, I'm not going to call for the results. I'd rather pretend it isn't happening. I will go on assuming that if there's a problem the endo will call.
My expectations have gone from assuming that this would all go away to it's all going to begin again.


Some Days

I can't imagine that I'm the only person who experiences this- the pure lack of motivation to even get out of bed in the morning. That heavy, dark feeling that holds you there.
This morning, like every other morning, my first of 3 alarms went off. The first one is to wake me up to take my medication. The buzzing started and in my morning fog I reached for the pill bottle next to my bed, automatically opened the bottle, pulled one pill out, closed the bottle. Once the pill is down I'm back to sleep until the next alarm.
My second alarm is set to wake me up so that I can see the kids off to school. Trey was up already at this point so I reached over and automatically turned off the alarm. And. I. Slept.
Until my third alarm. This alarm is set to get me out of bed for the gym. You see, I'll get up to see the kids off and then take a nap. Because, why not?
So the third alarm started buzzing and my hand automatically made it stop. And. I. Slept.
The warm, dark, heavy feeling was too much.

But here I am. Awake and dressed for the day. My schedule is all messed up, but the dogs are walked and I'm ready.
Today is Tuesday. The sun is out, the air is crisp.