an open letter

Dear woman on the treadmill next to me this morning,

i see you at the gym every day. you are very committed to health and fitness. you are also very committed to everyone else following the rules as established by the gym. i heard you complain to one of the personal trainers when you noticed that a member forgot to wipe down the equipment when they were done. i also saw you peek into my shower stall to inform me that i was taking a bit too long, thank you for informing me that you were waiting. i found it very helpful.
today i was lucky enough to walk next to you for 20 minutes. i'll be honest with you, i was a bit worried that i'd do something not quite right. but that was the last available treadmill in the gym so i grabbed it. i was sandwiched between you and an elderly gentleman. you were watching The View and he was watching CNN, i opted for switching between The View and Martha. everything was going well until you let one slip. it was indeed both silent AND deadly. when the scent crept into my nose i thought i was going to dry heave. i quickly put my hand up to my nose so i could smell the hand soap from the gym. you slyly glanced my way and i thought that maybe the gent on my left would think that i was the deliverer of that smell of death. i was not pleased. the smell subsided and we all continued our walk enjoying the TV in silence.
i want to thank you for holding the next one in for a good 10 minutes. it was a nice chance for me to clear my nose from the memory of your anal cavity.
when you did let the final blow go i believe i couldn't hold in my unhappy surprise and actually made a sound as my hand raced to my nose yet again. i'm sorry to be so rude yet i must thank you for taking your leave. i suppose i could have simply looked you in the eye and asked if you needed to see a doctor, but i thought it would be a bit more polite of me to air my disgust to anyone who could hear me through their ear buds.
when you left the air seemed a bit cleaner and everyone took a visible sigh of relief.
i am hoping you made it to the locker room and that you will be better tomorrow. please do not take it personally when i decide to work the stair master if there is only one treadmill available and it is positioned next to you.

signed,
jennifer