Expectations

Back in March, (when this whole thing began) I had the quiet expectation that this would all go away. That I'd go to the doctor that first visit and he'd say it was just an infection. That I'd go to the ultrasound and they'd say it was all gone. That I'd go to the biopsy and there'd be nothing left to look at. We all know that none of that occurred.
So yesterday I went to USC and had another ultrasound. Blood has already been drawn, meds are being taken. Now for the ultrasound.
They are very professional at USC. The facility is great, the folks are kind, but when the gal asked me to lay on the bed to begin the procedure I had a small sense of panic. I think being put on medication made me realize that this isn't all over.
The ultrasound was long. She was very thorough. I turned my head this way and that. When I was turned away from her I began to really panic in my head. Tears started slowly leaking from my eyes.
I played the "What If" game.
What if:

• she finds something 
• they want to operate again
• it's in my lymph nodes

Right when my thoughts got real dark I asked her what she was measuring. The lymph nodes. She said that this was just a base line. The report would go to the radiologist and then to my endocrinologist.
To be honest, I'm not going to call for the results. I'd rather pretend it isn't happening. I will go on assuming that if there's a problem the endo will call.
My expectations have gone from assuming that this would all go away to it's all going to begin again.